Releasing Ownself

Today I woke up, light-hearted. This is a feeling I missed for almost one whole month. Finally I can smile to myself in front of the mirror and thank God for this beautiful morning.

It had been one whole month. I had been flickering from I am fine to the moment I'll suddenly drop my tears, feeling heartache. I had been moody, emotional, there's just something lacking. Then I read about telling God first in everything you planned to do. Then God will either changes my heart or changes other people.

So I prayed to God. I need clear direction on what I should do next. Then on the Sunday service, its as if God spoke to me through our pastor, Rev. Moses. He talked about having total faith in God. When God held out his hands to us, we'll reach for it. Trusting him totally and let God take control. This touches me so deep.

My pastor was struck with stroke four years ago, leaving him with some difficulties in speech. He told that for the last four years he had been in despair, happy on the outside but lacking inside. That was exactly how I felt. But God touched my heart. He changed me.

Now I had finally taste the sweetest of letting go. I understand that that's what you needed most. I admire you for having a clear mind from the beginning when I still hold on tight to whatever I was holding on to. Lacking the courage to let go.

Life is still full of so many things we had yet to try and pursue. We cannot be tied back or bonded by each other. Till this moment I still love you, care for you and miss you. But I understand that love is not about owning. Perhaps when time passes by, my love for you will transformed into another kind. Or if you really are the one for me, perhaps years later we'll both changed and find that we still meant for each other. That will be another story.

Till then, my deepest wish for you and for myself.

Emotional Intelligence

During this long holiday I have been reading this book. Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman.

This is a book which talks about the importance of emotional intelligence and the significant role it plays in our daily life. Emotional intelligence is in fact more important than our IQ while making decisions in life.

I highly recommend this book. Dictionary would come in handy while reading.

心 . 死

今天，我的心真的死了。纵使一千个，一万个不愿意，我也得面对这残酷的事实。

忍不住主动跟你聊了起来，你过得很好。

你告诉我现在的自己终于做着一些应该做的事，以前太幼稚了。

你的想法不同了，更成熟了。但令我害怕与心痛的，是你一点都不再向往以往。

你为将来做了打算，一个没有我的未来。

你也有了梦想，一个容不下我的梦想。

开始承认我真的没办法跟上你的步伐，所以没资格再苦苦纠缠。

当我说出近日面对的问题，你那淡淡的‘多保重’再次砸碎了我的心。

忘了你不会再在我身边，为我出头，和我一起面对再难走得路。

现在的我是一个人走的，是独立的。

也许是自己不自觉的一再为自己找借口，找理由，给自己希望， 才会再次受伤。

也许自己仍然渴望你的爱与关怀，才会再次失望。

对你来说，我真的是那个最熟悉的陌生人了吗？

你真的在寂寞时候都不会想起我，对我一点思念都没有吗？

谁又能为我解答？

但清楚知道这些都不再重要。

心是死了，但那是种怎样的滋味呢？

不是释怀，不是解脱，反而有种无法解释的空虚。

看来，我还没让你从我生活中消失的勇气。

有人说，悲伤不是因为一个人被一个人上的多深，

而是一个人宁可选择悲伤也不选择摆脱。

在爱情没开始以前，你永远想象不出会那样的爱一个人；

在爱情没结束以前，你永远想象不出那样的爱也会消失；

在爱情被忘却以前，你永远想象不出那样刻骨铭心的爱也会址留下淡淡痕迹；

在爱情重新开始以前，你永远想象不出还能再一次找到那样的爱情。

眼泪不听话

分开已经两个星期了，

突然我又哭了。

纵使一再告诉自己不许再想你，

但那颗心与那颗脑袋已不再属于自己。

我，想你了。

一直都很想，很想……

以前在一起的时候会计算日子，

因为太幸福了，

怕日记过得太快，

也想记住我们一起过的日子有多长，

那童话般的梦有多久。

梦醒后，也计算日子，

因为太难熬，

希望这漫长的日子能为我缩短，

让我那受伤的心灵得到一丝安慰。

记得以前你说你把心放在我这儿，

我的心则寄托给你，

所以即使彼此不能时刻在一起，

也有对方的心陪伴着。

最近都感觉不到心跳，

原来你把心给拿回去了。

而我那被你退回来的心，

破碎了，回不来了。

知道你已经不属于我，

感情已经无法挽回，

但不要脸的自己却又一再抱着希望,

想问你，可以再回到我身边吗？

想在你面前装坚强，

装若无其事，

不想令你反感，

不想你因为太累而从我生活中离去。

以前遇见困难悲伤，

即使不说，你也会知道。

现在你看见了我的悲伤，

感觉到我的心酸吗？

还是你已经不在乎了？

不争气的眼泪又不听使唤地夺眶而出，

控制不了泪水，

控制不了情绪，

控制不了自己。

突然眼前只剩下一片模糊……

What Should I Do

You ask me how my day was as if it is same everyday
I say Im okay but you really dont know how I feel
Do you think i’ll be okay without you?
Are you okay without me?
The world without you is so hard that I blame myself for still breathing.

What should I do? Even now, I live each painful days because of your words
Tell me if this is a bad thing to do
Are you living each day painfully like I am?
You and me

Are we too late? Do we not have a chance?
I still think about you and you might know this
Finally is it this? Are we going to end like this? Is it okay with you?
I dont think I can do it. The love I find with you, I wont find it anywhere even if I die.

What should I do? If it isnt you no one else can hold my heart
Please hold me. And you know that even though the whole world tries to
No one can erase your memories. So please hold me

What should I do? Even now, I live each painful days because of your words
Tell me if this is a bad thing to do
Are you living each day painfully like I am?
You and me

Is it too late? Do we not have a chance?
But me, I still think about you, and you might not know.

Points To Ponder

1. Trusting God completely means having faith that he knows what is best in your life. You expect him to keep his promises, help you with problems, and do the impossible when necessary.

2. Put Jesus Christ in the driver's seat of your life and take your hands off the steering wheel. Don't be afraid, nothing under his control can ever be out of control.

3. Knowing and loving God is our greatest priviledge, and being known and loved is God's greatest pleasure.

4. Because God is with you all the time, no place is any closer to God than the place where you are right now.

5. Without God, life has no purpose, and without purpose, life has no meaning; without meaning, life has no significance or hope.

6. The best antidote, is to realise that God always acts in your best interest, even when it is painful and you don't understand it.

7. We obey God, not out of duty or fear or compulsion, but because we love him and trust that he knows what is best for us.

8. God allows pain in your life as pain is the fuel of passion. Your problems are not punishment; they are wake-up calls from a loving God.

9. There is absolutely nothing more important than developing a friendship with God. It's a relationship that will last forever.

10. You are as close to God as you choose to be.

11. Believe in God; believe God would listen to your prayer; believe God would let you say out what you felt and still love you.

12. Eternal truth about God : he is good, he loves me, he is with me, he knows what I'm going through, he cares and he has a good plan for my life.

有些话，可能是你一辈子想知道的答案

Credit to Chuen Sheng via Facebook

1。张小娴：

爱，从来就是一件千回百转的事。不曾被离弃，不曾受伤害，怎懂得爱人？

2。亦舒：

无论怎么样，一个人借故堕落是不值得原谅的，越是没有人爱，越是要爱自己。

3。雪小禅：

我以为总有一天，我会彻底将爱情忘记，将你忘记。

可是，突然有一天，我听到一首旧歌，我的眼泪流下来了，

因为这首歌，我们一起听过。

4。橘色心情：

男人哭了，是因为他真的爱了；

女人哭了，是因为她真的放弃了。

5。三毛：

有些人的爱情，只是一种‘当时的情绪’。

如果对方错将这份情绪当成是长远的爱情，是本生的幼稚。

6。张小娴：

如果没法忘记他，就不要忘记好了。

真正的忘记，是不需要努力的。

7。郭赦：

每个人一生之中心里总会藏着一个人，也许这个人永远都不会知道，

尽管如此，这个人永远都无法被谁取代。

而那个人就像永远无法愈合的伤疤，

无论在什么时候，只要较提起，或者轻轻一碰，就会隐隐作痛。

Without Words

I shouldnt have done that,

I should have pretended not to know

like I didnt see it, like I couldnt see it

I shouldnt have looked at you in the first place

I should have run away,

I should have pretended I wasnt listening

like I didnt hear it, like I couldnt hear it

I shouldnt have heard your love in the first place

Without a word you made me know love

Without a word you gave me love

Because you took just a breath and ran away like this

Without a word love leaves me

Without a word love abandons me

Wondering what to say next, my lips were surprised

Because it came without a word.

Why does it hurt so much?

Why does it hurt continuously?

Except for the fact that I can’t see you anymore

And that you’re not here anymore

Otherwise it’s the same as before

Without a word you made me know love

Without a word you gave me love

Because you took just a breath and ran away like this

Without a word love leaves me

Without a word love abandons me

Wondering what to say next, my lips were surprised

I wonder why this song portrays my feelings so well...

最后一次再想你

也忘了这是失去你后的第几个夜晚，总觉得一切来得太快，回忆却又多得让人无法释怀。

有时觉得自己已经可以放下过去，却又偏偏在一个人的时候会突然想起你。

每一个生活上的小细节都会让我想起你我的回忆。

回到我们曾经一起去过的地方，会让我不禁心酸难过。

想起当初我们说过要一起做的事情，想起我们未完成的梦。

每次看见你上网时会想与你聊天，或希望你会来问候我。

可是聊了之后，如今你的冷漠与随性却又如此刺痛我的心。

会上你的面子书，即使没有新的张贴，就想看看你的照片。

很想知道你会否像以前一样，对我的一切近况了如指掌。

即使你根本不再关心我，但也想在你可能看到的地方留言，让你知道我过得还好。

很多时候我很想问你，你过得好吗？

很想问你，你有想我吗？真的放下了吗？

很想问你，没有我的日子，你是否比从前快乐？

但我都没有勇气。

也许这是我想留给自己的一点矜持，

或许我知道答案是残酷的，我的心已经不能再容许一点点的打击，

也或许我明白你已做出了选择，不想再令你为难，愧疚。

知道自己没有资格要求你对我好，

再没有资格霸占你的微笑，

无论如何，真的希望我们以后还是朋友。能谈心的好朋友。

我不知道自己是否还存希望，只知道我希望在你难过或需要陪伴时，

你会第一个想到我，让我为你分担，陪你渡过。

想让自己快点好起来，但是我清楚知道，我无法回到从前。

你的一切一切，已烙在我的心上，永远抹不掉。

心里的伤痕会留疤，但一切都是值得的。

谢谢你曾经爱过我，疼过我。

谢谢你把我从温室里带出来，感受阳光的温暖，雨水的冷酷。

也谢谢你让我长大了，成熟了。

这真的是最后一次我允许自己再想你……

Sometimes

Sometimes I thought I am fine

Just to find out I am not

Sometimes I thought I had let go

Just to find that every small memories still clung to me

Sometimes I thought I am happy

Just to feel hot tears flowing the next moment

Sometimes I wonder

Just how long it takes to get out from this pit

Sometimes I hope you'll think of me even for just a moment

Just to realise I can no longer hope

Sometimes I don't know what I am holding on to anymore

Just hoping there is someone who can shake me awake and give me hope

Sometimes I don't know myself anymore

Sometimes...

下雨天

南拳妈妈 - 下雨天

词：张杰

曲：张杰

下雨天了怎么办 我好想你

不敢打给你 我找不到原因

什么失眠的声音 变得好熟悉

沉默的场景 做你的代替 陪我听雨滴

期待让人越来越沉迷

谁和我一样 等不到他的谁

爱上你我总在学会 寂寞的滋味

一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪 一个人好累

怎样的雨 怎样的夜

怎样的我能让你更想念

雨要多大 天要多黑

才能够有你的体贴

其实 没有我 你分不清那些

彻别 接近还能多一些

别说你会难过 别说你想改变

被爱的人不用道歉

说了再见

周杰伦 - 说了再见

词：方文山

曲：周杰伦

天亮了 雨下了 你走了

清楚了 我爱的 遗失了

落叶漂在湖面上睡着了

想要放 放不掉 泪在飘

你看看 你看看 看不到

我假装过去不重要 却发现自己办不到

说了再见 才发现再也见不到

我不能就这样失去你的微笑

口红待在桌脚 而你我找不到

若角色对调你说好不好

你的笑 你的好 脑海里 一直在绕

我的手 忘不了 你手的温度

心碎了一地 捡不回从前的心跳 伤心过去我无力逃跑

说再见 才发现再也见不到

能不能就这样 忍着痛 泪不掉

说好陪我到老 又狠往哪里走

再一次拥抱一分一秒都好

幸福很简单

在报章上看到一位癌症病患的心声，

“上帝为你关上了一道门，

就会为你打开一扇窗。

生活不会给你全部，

也不会让你一无所有。

幸福就是如斯简单，

用坦然平静的心去体会，

用知足常乐的意念去存储。

对生活少一点抱怨，

多一份淡泊，

幸福的感觉时刻就在身边。”

Purpose Driven Life

The Purpose Driven Life is a book to help us ponder and find out what on earth am I here for.

This is a book I have for years and I had always only manage to read the first few chapters. Until yesterday night. There was something in me giving me the sudden urge to read this book again and really understand the meaning behind it.

Reading this gives me a huge comfort and help in filling up the emptiness in my soul. As written in the book, 'without a purpose, life is trivial, petty, and pointless'. When life has a meaning, you can bear almost anything; without it, nothing is bearable.

This is a poem by Russell Kelfer :

You are who you are for a reason.

You're part of an intricate plan.

You're precious and perfect unique design,

Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.

Our God made no mistake.

He knit you together within the womb,

You're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose.

And no matter how you may feel,

They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,

And they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

And God wept that it hurt you so;

But it was allowed to shape your heart

SO that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,

You've been formed by the Master's rod.

You are who you are, beloved,

Because there is a God!

God loves us so much that He can't bear to see us being hurt. But He knew that we are stubborn and lots of time we are so occupied with things we thought far more significant than He were therefore God allowed us to face trauma and pain. But at the same time He wept with us and He never left us alone to walk this road.

New Camera

My dad had been eyeing this camera for such a long time. Finally this is the day. We got this 'user-friendly' camera back home after spending RM684.

Our new 14 mega pixel camera

White, colour of my choice

God Will Make A Way

God will make a way

When there seems to be no way

He works in ways

You cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to his side

With love and strength

For each new day

He will make a way

He will make a way

A Noble Woman

It's Methodist Women's Sunday. So it's all about women.

Have you ever felt that God speaks to you? I do. From today's sermon and songs sang I felt that God is telling me to live the wise and that he is always there to make ways for me whenever I am helpless.

Today's sermon is from Proverbs, written by King Soloman, the wisest king to rule Israel. This book talks about wisdom living in God's way and with God in life.

Proverbs 31:10-31

10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.

14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food for afar.

15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.

16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.

18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.

19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

This is not the blueprint being a woman and I'll never be able to be like the above. But I want to try my best to be the best that I can and have a good relationship with God.

父母心

今天突然心血来朝，到客厅最角落的柜子里把旧像簿全翻出来，想看看一些以前的照片。这些照片勾起了许多回忆。

昔日风采依旧的父母

可爱的姐姐

不懈的我。哈哈

大头大头，比谁大头

一头卷发的我，挺可爱的

看着一张张开始发黄退色的旧照片, 我不禁感慨父母亲真的苍老了。他们给了我无微不至的爱与关怀。无论什么时候，发生什么事情，他们都对我不离不弃。他们的付出换回的却是我无理取闹，刁蛮任性。他们用自己的一生换来今天的我。

对不起，都是我不好。从今天起我要好好对待他们。树欲静而风不止，子欲养而亲不待。我要乘现在好好对待他们，做个好女儿，报答他们对我的养育之恩。

New Discovery

Just back from a nice yumcha session with Nic and Chun Yan. Nic is one of my seniors in CF at USM. He's actually my cell group leader thought very sorry and regretful that I've yet to attend any of our cell group meetings. He's that kinda person that actually lives out a Christian life and show others that Christians are indeed different from others.

We've started of with common things as in his daily encounters as well as other stuffs. In the end we talked about something more spiritual. And I've got answers for questions which I had doubts before. Now I am clear and sure that again God helped me in making the best decision in my life - being dumped. Though it hurts now but many years later I will be glad for this decision made.

We talked about love. There is a different between love and lust. I liked it best when he said if you really do love someone, you can just hugged him/her like for a long time, and this feeling just won't go away.

Love has nothing to do with sex. Making love is just a sensation and the feeling of being in love does not last. We human being may find it hard to distinguish between whether its just sexual attraction or true love. So it's through praying and time that we may know if we had really find the true one. Besides this from a book he read, he reads a lot, there is this thing that we our human brain is an amazing creation as well as a dangerous one. When we wanted something so badly, we end up creative fake images so real that before we hit the bottom line and realise everything is just an illusion, we'll hold so strongly to it. This I agree completely. Thank God it hit me now.

Besides this we did talked about other stuff as in politics and history. Haha... The thing that ends with this discussion is that I really must take this opportunity to bond up with God. He loves me so much and yet I really did neglect him. But still now in my time of huge depression, God never leaves me. He even send someone to give me comfort and taught me to be strong. I believe no such thing as coincidence. This yumcha session was also no coincidence.

God has everything planned. It's just up to us whether to accept it or give it up. I thank God for everything. He watched me grow and lead me all the way.

如果你还放不下

Credit to Tan Kok Kiong via Facebook

到现在还放不下对方吗
到现在还想着对方的一点一滴吗
有些人、有些事、我们 可能偏偏放不下
我来给你做个试验：
你拿着一个茶杯，然后就往茶杯里面倒热水，一直倒到水溢出来。
你烫到手的时候是马上松手吗？
知道我想说什么了吗？
这个世界上没有什么事是放不下的，痛了，你自然就会放下。
忘了吧．所有你留恋的．回忆的．你拥有过的．
那些．都已是记忆．
缺失并不可怕．
可怕的．是无法面对．
你无法轻易忘记放弃．是因为你 付出过．
付出了．他就会像柱子一样扎根在心．
不要刻意去逃避．刻意忘记．那只会让你更痛苦．
绕开这个柱子．寻找未来的幸福生活吧．

那里．有你的理想．
开始新的习惯吧．
习惯．每天一个人生活．
习惯．一个人过生日．一个人行走．
习惯．走过熟悉的路．面对熟悉的景．
你逃不掉．逃不掉的．
那么．就勇敢面对．现实．
现实是．一切．画上了句点．
勇敢看着镜子中的自己吧．
这个悲 伤软弱满面憔悴的自己．
这也是你．成长中的你．
这个你．正在逐渐死去．
新的你．即将重生．
寻你的路．你的未来．
你知道的．所有的浩劫．都是成长的祭奠．
做最好的自己．即使．一个人．
好．好．尽情发泄吧．
剥开自己的心．用文字．用声音．用所有能发泄的方式．
泄完了．就要振作．

看吧．你失去的．其实微不足道．
还有那么多人关心着你．以不同的方式．
所以．你并不孤独．
正是这样的失去．让你看清现在所拥有的幸福．
别哭．别再哭．
不值得．真的．不值得了．
把过去尘封吧．别委屈．别不甘心．别不接受．
开始新的旅程吧．去遇见新的风景．新的际遇．
做你该做的事吧．有很多事．等待着你完成呢．
生活褪去了曾有的颜色．暂时宁静．
别沉沦在这片宁静里．那会毁掉你．
你要明白．虽然残 忍．但这个决定．足够正确．
现在的生活．不是你想要的．
为了你的理想．你必须学会适时放弃．
给对方最好的关怀．就是．变的更好．更强大．更幸福．
好好的对待对方是最好的，以后的时间是很长的，既然缘分让你们相交，记得珍惜
送给还在坚持的人们
有时候放手了
可能你就轻松一些了
记得要让自己高兴

I find this post very meaningful. You'll have to let go. Losing is not the worst thing. The worst thing ever is can't face the truth. And what is better is that he's not a bad and reckless guy. Everything is two-sided. I lost a relationship which cannot last but gained a friend for life. So still I gained more than I lost.

Yet Another Day

Recently I'm stuck with blogging. I guess people will get hooked up with different things at different period of time in life. I've read blogs from a lot of my friends as well as people I don't know. I like reading blogs as they tell a lot about the writer. I can know what's going on deep down in their heart even though I have no idea who that person is. Through their blogs I learnt a lot about life.

Just this morning I read one about the lost of the writer's father. Yet she's so strong and have the faith to keep the family together. Suddenly I'm awake. I realised that what I faced is just a tiny small problem in life. And we are together for just a mere one month plus. Compare to others its just not worth the mention. And life is about more. I've learnt to really put down and look out for a better future. I've always told myself that God will always provide me with the best in life.

Thinking back when i first receive the offer to enter USM, I was so sad. Seeing all my good friends leaving me to KL while I was left all alone here at Nibong Tebal did not felt good. But now thinking back, I'll laugh at my foolishness. I don't know how my life will turn out to be if I were to be placed in UM or UKM, but I really felt USM is the best place for me. I thanked God for making this decision for me although it hurted me.

So now it's time I be put to test. Do I really have faith for God and believe that God knows whats best for me? Yes, I choose to believe. Though I am devastated now, I believe in the future I will too look back and thanked God for sending him to make me grow and be my friend now, and send me my true love at the best time and best place in the best condition. Cheers~

拿得起，放得下

我要拿得起，放得下！释放别人等于释放自己！！

I still remember the day before I was in a relationship, my roommate who is his friend asked if I am one that can let go after having something. That time I told her I don't know. Now I want to prove to myself that YES, I can! Suddenly I felt more relieved and can finally place a smile on my face deep from my heart.

It's Parents' Day

Celebrations and festivals are all about food. And more food. It's been a week late from Mother's Day but not yet Father's Day so lets make it a Parents' Day. We went to a Thai restaurant - Prontip.

Appetizer, fried anchovies and peanuts.

Main dishes, green curry chicken (right top), Thai curry paste pork (right) and fish fillet tofu in bean paste sauce (left)

This is as a token of appreciation and also to make it up for the times when my temper is out of control. Especially this week. Sorry and I will try my best to be a good child.

A visit to Fort Cornwallis

Today is the last day the government is letting the public visit the Fort Cornwallis free of charge. So my parents decided that this is an opportunity not to be missed so we headed to our destination.

Greenery just outside the fort

Row of cannons can be seen from the outside

History of the fort in four languages

Statue of Francis Light

Cannons

And more cannons

A building from that time with unknown purposes

Drawbridge as the entrance

Meet up with 姐妹

After spending few days at home, it's time for me to meet the world. Yean Yee and me decided to meet up at Queensbay. It's been a whole year since I last met her. We've been mates since Form 1. She was among the few whom I knew first upon entering high school and join Kadet Alam Sekitar as well as end up being prefect together. We also happened to meet Poh Shuan there, also one of my good friend during high school. But she has transferred to other state after Form 1. It's so nice to meet up with them and pour out everything.

Me and Yean Yee

Poh Shuan, Yean Yee and me

Yean Yee and me

It's so nice spending time with them. Hope to meet them again. Friendship forever! Cheers~

Brand New Day

Lately I have been sleeping in really early. Guess I have succeeded in changing my lifestyle to a healthier way. So its the good out from everything that happened huh.

This morning I woke up with a slighty different mood. I am no longer so upset and can finally manage to think of something else other than my past relationship. I'm starting to accept the truth and can think in a clearer way. What's wrong with being friends anyway? Maybe this is the best afterall.

Last night I talked to a friend of mine. He was right. Time does not come back for nobody. Since I have already wasted about a week over this, its time to put this to an end. Life is not just above boy-girl relationship. There re yet so many kinds of love, parental love, friendship love and so much more. It's not like the end of the world. And I strongly believe that God has His own plan in everything he does. He will provide me with something even better. So I'll follow his plan and have faith. Afterall I lose nothing. I gained a new experience, we are still good friends. What more can one ask for?

New Leaf

Finally I got a very clear answer. It's just as expected just that I kept on lying and giving myself hope. Now is the time to be strong and stand up straight! I remember when I was small once I fell down. My babysitter taught me a chinese rhyme,

" 喂喂 不要怕 你是好娃娃

自己跌倒 自己爬

你看山上 喂你看那红花

你们是好娃娃

要自己跌倒自己爬 "

It taught us that whenever we fall down we must stand up by ourselves. That way we will learn from the fall and stand up strong later. Now I thank her for instilling this in my mind since I was small. It's always better to stand with your own feet rather than relying on others.

Recently I am also sensitive to songs. Guess its also a good way to improve your command of language. This is also quoted from a song dear to my heart.

" 哭过就好了 痛都会走的

记忆有限所以它会淘汰坏的

失眠听歌 想念虽然苦涩

还是谢谢你让我长大了 "

Yeah all these cryings should be more than enough to wash away everything. From tomorrow onwards I want a brand new start!

原来爱情那么难

泳儿 - 原来爱情那么难

词:王雅若

曲:李志源

为什么爱会下起雨来
为什么我们 越走越散
为什么笑 有点不自然
为什么 我的爱 有点不安

眼泪排山倒海 再抵挡不了伤害
我们的爱结束在这个夜晚
春夏冬暖 多需要有你的陪伴
此刻我一个人习惯孤单

爱最痛的呼喊 是不能够再重来
多年后 我却牢牢记在脑海
幸福再来 我依然会充满期待
照会爱最初的幸福港湾

眼泪排山倒海 再抵挡不了伤害
我们的爱结束在这个夜晚
快乐太难 太心酸 我才发现了孤单
原来 爱情真那么难
原来 爱情那么难

Vanilla Twilight

Owl City - Vanilla Twilight

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't sleep in two days
Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
When heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'll whisper in your ear
Oh, darling I wish you were here

Gloomy Days

It has been the 3rd day since I washed myself with tears. This morning I woke up with a heavy heart. Yet another day...

Never thought I can be so frail and pathetic. A single verse of lyrics from a song, a simple scene from the movie, every single memory will initiate my tear gland. Thinking back of all the promises and conversations makes my heart throbbing with pain. Nevertheless the memories are beautiful and I will treasure them always. Lesson learnt that not to let myself believe in fantasies as in stay together forever, till death do us part...

I once read from a note by someone saying when the time you love, you really do love. But when its over, you really don't love anymore. I thought I can face it boldly, but I can't. I used to not understand the pain that can be caused, but now my tears are flowing uncontrollably.

I want to put this to a stop. No more a mess of myself. I want to be back to Miss Independent, Miss Self-sufficient, Miss Keep you distance, Miss Apprehensive. Yeah, that suits me best.

Opening

I have always wanted to start a blog of mine over all these years. However, everytime I'll come up with excuses such as lack of time, no inspirations and such. Recently something which will leave a deep impact in my life strike me. Struck me real hard. I need something to keep me occupied. Though the situation which initiate this blog is not a good one, I'll want to keep track of the details in my life, the happiness and sorrows, hoping someday later in the future I can read back and find memories. As for the heartbreaking part I will laugh and thank the people that helped me grow.