Releasing Ownself

Today I woke up, light-hearted. This is a feeling I missed for almost one whole month. Finally I can smile to myself in front of the mirror and thank God for this beautiful morning.

It had been one whole month. I had been flickering from I am fine to the moment I'll suddenly drop my tears, feeling heartache. I had been moody, emotional, there's just something lacking. Then I read about telling God first in everything you planned to do. Then God will either changes my heart or changes other people.

So I prayed to God. I need clear direction on what I should do next. Then on the Sunday service, its as if God spoke to me through our pastor, Rev. Moses. He talked about having total faith in God. When God held out his hands to us, we'll reach for it. Trusting him totally and let God take control. This touches me so deep.

My pastor was struck with stroke four years ago, leaving him with some difficulties in speech. He told that for the last four years he had been in despair, happy on the outside but lacking inside. That was exactly how I felt. But God touched my heart. He changed me.

Now I had finally taste the sweetest of letting go. I understand that that's what you needed most. I admire you for having a clear mind from the beginning when I still hold on tight to whatever I was holding on to. Lacking the courage to let go.

Life is still full of so many things we had yet to try and pursue. We cannot be tied back or bonded by each other. Till this moment I still love you, care for you and miss you. But I understand that love is not about owning. Perhaps when time passes by, my love for you will transformed into another kind. Or if you really are the one for me, perhaps years later we'll both changed and find that we still meant for each other. That will be another story.

Till then, my deepest wish for you and for myself.